Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
