Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize