we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
