you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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