i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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