Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
