Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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