I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The Olympian is in my bed
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
