its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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