I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize