when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
