I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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