Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
