1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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