I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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