i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
