party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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