i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
