btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My bed smells like the plague
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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