you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
