I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
