it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
