i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
