Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
