we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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