I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
