WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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