You can't motorboat a personality
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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