For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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