Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
