I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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