Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
