I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
