I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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