He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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