You don't have asthma, your pregnant
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
