god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
