HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize