I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
