I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
