i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
