Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
