Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
