I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
