why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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