My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
