I'm gonna have a badass scar
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He felt like a one man threesome
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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