we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
