from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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