I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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