Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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