So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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