Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
