You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
