some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
