Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
