Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
cat food counts as protein by the way
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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