My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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