so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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